Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart.
He who looks outside, dreams. He who looks inside, awakens. Carl Jung

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Letting Go

Troubles 95-6/1/10

Story Circle Network (SCN) is sponsoring their annual Lifewriting contest and the theme is “letting go” ( Although I am not entering as I have other obligations to SCN, I realized that I needed to write something for Trouble, our family cat, before I could move on to other blog posts. So, the following is not a full-blown story but something I needed to say. Thanks for “listening.”

I listened to the vet talk about options as I pet Trubs; mounds of hair flying due to dehydration. I knew it was time, knew it before making the call. She was almost 15 years old, had a tumor in her mouth and was experiencing kidney failure. But did I really have it in me to say the words? To begin a catnap from which she would not awaken?

I heard facts ~ down to 5lbs, IV bags, blood tests, dialysis, age, etc..…

I saw images ~ an eight week old kitten with a partial shadowed face amidst a solid black litter; the mixed aromas of Lysol, ammonia and dirty fur at the pound; a symphony of barking dogs, mews and children squealing “look at that one mommy”. My oldest daughter, then eight years old, quietly gravitated towards the smallest strangest-looking cat, matching green eyes looking somberly at one another until my daughter turned to me in a silent plea.

I’m sure I tried to talk her out of it. That’s been my way for so long, needing age to mellow like a fine wine, to learn that I don’t have to be in control of everything.

Except on this day at the vet‘s office, I do. I have to make a decision. Our cat was alive in that moment and could have more time. But Troubles was suffering in that moment too. So through tears I said “it’s time”, blanketed Trouble in her favorite bed and toys and prayed for a paradise of green fields filled with flower-shaped, salmon-flavored treats.

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